Vulnerability. I am bursting with it, in so many ways, in so many aspects of my life. But especially, in my relationship with him. I hold on to every little second with him, and I realize that he very well could be gone soon. I watch him, dote on him. I wish I didn't. It leaves me so incredibly vulnerable. I am suceptable to the hurt he could cause me because of how recklessly I love him. I love him without a limit, with an absolute lack of abandon. Because, that is the only way I know how to love him.
But he, he is different. He has no vulnerability. He sits there like a rock, acknowledging my presence, but not savoring. He has shut a part of himself off to me. I know it is completely my fault. Completely. But, I feel like my love is so strong, that it should demolish every tinge of fear he has because of me.
I know abandoned him. I left him for dead at the worst possible moment. And when he called me crying I pretended to not care. I acted like I was above him, somehow over him. But, I knew the entire time I was blatantly lying. & it makes me sick to think about it. It makes me ill to think that I did that to someone who consumes my every thought. I apologize everyday, but the barrier still stands.
Everyday, something will come to mind. A memory of when I was without him, and my muscles literally ache to hold him and whisper to him that I am sorry. And almost everytime this happens, I do it. I turn over, or go up to him and hug him. I squeeze him so intensely and suddenly that he always loses breath. And I say, "I'm sorry for when I hurt you." I do it because it is important to me that he knows how regretful I am, every second of the day. But today, while we were watching a movie, I was gripped by that same feeling, a memory flashed through my head. My muscles tightened and I almost rolled over to hold him. But then, I stopped. And I don't know why. I think it has something to do with that damn barrier. I realized my apology, my arms around him, wasn't going to affect that barrier one bit. So I laid there. I laid there and wondered if this surrender would hurt us more than help us.