Vulnerability. I am bursting with it, in so many ways, in so many aspects of my life. But especially, in my relationship with him. I hold on to every little second with him, and I realize that he very well could be gone soon. I watch him, dote on him. I wish I didn't. It leaves me so incredibly vulnerable. I am suceptable to the hurt he could cause me because of how recklessly I love him. I love him without a limit, with an absolute lack of abandon. Because, that is the only way I know how to love him.
But he, he is different. He has no vulnerability. He sits there like a rock, acknowledging my presence, but not savoring. He has shut a part of himself off to me. I know it is completely my fault. Completely. But, I feel like my love is so strong, that it should demolish every tinge of fear he has because of me.
I know abandoned him. I left him for dead at the worst possible moment. And when he called me crying I pretended to not care. I acted like I was above him, somehow over him. But, I knew the entire time I was blatantly lying. & it makes me sick to think about it. It makes me ill to think that I did that to someone who consumes my every thought. I apologize everyday, but the barrier still stands.
Everyday, something will come to mind. A memory of when I was without him, and my muscles literally ache to hold him and whisper to him that I am sorry. And almost everytime this happens, I do it. I turn over, or go up to him and hug him. I squeeze him so intensely and suddenly that he always loses breath. And I say, "I'm sorry for when I hurt you." I do it because it is important to me that he knows how regretful I am, every second of the day. But today, while we were watching a movie, I was gripped by that same feeling, a memory flashed through my head. My muscles tightened and I almost rolled over to hold him. But then, I stopped. And I don't know why. I think it has something to do with that damn barrier. I realized my apology, my arms around him, wasn't going to affect that barrier one bit. So I laid there. I laid there and wondered if this surrender would hurt us more than help us.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
This blog is for me. I will be using it to hold on to myself, my thoughts, my actions and things I think are important. I do not want to use this blog for attention, so don't get too offended. I just want to voice my opinions and have something to come to and write on, to help myself.
Writing has always been so crucial to me. Something to help me keep in touch with Libby, to hold on to my sanity and feelings. I am so excited to begin blogging. Oh baby. Here I come.